Monday, February 22, 2010


What do you believe in?
Once I was so undoubtedly sure.
Then something happened. I'm not sure what it was, but suddenly I was questioning everything.
That is not a pleasant experience. Suddenly having everything you think you knew taken away and replaced with... doubt?

I have been going to church in some form or another for something in line with 10 years.
I have called myself a Christian for about 6. 
I knew who I was.
Beloved daughter.
I had been through enough to know I could turn to God to be my strength.
My wisdom.
To restore my soul.

Sometime at the end of last year I stopped seeing myself as His daughter.
I stopped turning to Him for strength. 
I was no longer searching for wisdom.
And the worst bit? I didn't even care. 

I wanted to forget everything I knew and be 'normal'.
I thought that maybe if I could forget then things would be easier. I could be stupid and reckless and not care about the consequences. 
Only I didn't do anything stupid or reckless because I suppose I couldn't pretend I thought it was right.
I couldn't get past being me.
I couldn't, wouldn't, didn't actually want to.

Basically I was lost.
I didn't know who I was, what I believed in or my place in the world.
Thats the only word that fits.

I don't want to be lost anymore.
I want to wake up each morning with the knowledge that He is with me.
I want to feel His presence in my life.
I want my daughter to grow up knowing that she to is a princess in the kingdom of heaven.. 
I want to be me again.
Only I don't actually know how to get back there.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
       so my soul pants for you, O God.
Psalm 42:1


Tina said...

just got your comment over on detailgalblog. means the world to me! plus i think it's fantastic that we are so far apart & can meet this way. i pray that Christ is alive to you today, meets you as only He can do.
Be sure you click on "How He Loves" in the post you commented on at detailgalblog. In case you haven't heard it before. tina

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