Wednesday, March 31, 2010
In the time between having Eli and Kayla Rose I started going to the gym.
It's was super hard work, but I loved it. I had energy for the first time in my life. I was losing weight. I felt good.
I loved the feeling of walking just that little bit further/faster on the treadmill. I loved knowing the routine in class. I loved having time that was only for ME.
One day when I was about 7 weeks pregnant I attended my favorite class. Body Balance. The next day I started bleeding. It was the beginning of my miscarriage. Ultrasounds showed that the baby had died about a week earlier. The following few days were physically painful, the following months were emotionally excruciating. Long after everyone thought I was fine I was still broken inside. I didn't understand it. This wasn't something that happened to me. This was something that only happened to other people. We named our baby Hope. And I know that she is safe in the arms of Jesus waiting for the day when we can be reunited.
I tried going back to the gym, but it wasn't the same. Although I know that me doing that class didn't cause the loss of our precious one, I still link the two events in my mind. But now I'm a tired mumma of three. My fitness has plummeted. I miss the high after a workout. I miss the feeling of sore muscles the day after you've gone for it hard. I miss having that time that was for no one but myself.
I want to go back. I want to fit a work out into my schedule. I want to have the motivation to go. I know that if I could just go back I would get my fitness mojo back. I think it's time I stopped being jealous of other people for having energy for the gym and drag my saggy mum butt into the air-conditioned treadmill comfort.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I have adored Audrey for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl I would walk past the cartoons and straight into the corner of our local video shop dedicated to old movies, and pick up yet another Audrey movie to watch for the 5000th time.
Every now and then I go searching for Audrey pictures. It's something I love and helps calm me. While I rarely find anything I haven't seen at some point in time, nothing beats a little bit of Audrey styling.
Monday, March 29, 2010
So seeing as it was my birthday last week it seems the perfect time to write my 23 things to do before I turn 24 list. I'm not sure where the original idea came from, but my friend Liz saw it in her internet travels after being inspired by the movie The Bucket List. I haven't seen the movie yet. But I like the list idea.
- Plant a pot plant.
- Get a tattoo.
- Go on a hike.
- Take a family holiday.
- Become more involved in church.
- Clear out some clutter.
- Buy a strangers groceries.
- Finish part 1 of my Interior Design course.
- Lose 10kgs.
- Get a manicure.
- Perfect our daily routines.
- Create new art for our home.
- Keep a food and exercise diary.
- Go to Yungaburra markets.
- Get into the breakfast habit.
- Finally fix up our TV cabinet.
- Resize my wedding ring.
- Send someone a homemade gift for no reason but I love them.
- Exercise daily (yeh right).
- Take a camping trip.
- Fix up my car.
- Buy a bread maker.
- .Take the kids to the cinema.
So there it is. The list is done. Now I have to actually do everything.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."
We've been struggling with some life changing type questions at our house for the last few months. Finally this weekend the answers seem to be falling into place. We've had a bit of drama here with my Nana who was visiting discovering that she had a broken hip and then having a full hip replacement less then 24 hours later. I think that perhaps when things like this happen it put's everything into prospective and makes making the big changes that much easier.
Isn't it funny how one little (or big) thing can change everything. It's been amazing to watch my Nana' s faith over the last two days. She truly has been seeing the positives from the situation and is completely confident that God has his hand in everything. It is uplifting to be around.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
When you're a child time seems to go so slow. You overhear adults talking about how quickly the months are passing and you think they have gone mad. Then one day you say it.
"I can't believe it's ... already. It will be Christmas before we know it."
Your an adult now. And time does go so fast. Before you know it a week has past and it's again time to whatever it is you do. Before you know it, a week has past and it's time to change the sheets again, clean the bathroom, do the shopping. Before you know it, a week has past and you haven't picked up your bible. A week really isn't long. It passes in the blink of an eye.
A week is far to long. A week is enough to leave your soul longing. A week without loosing yourself in His word is too long. A month ago, a week wouldn't seem like very long at all. A month ago I wouldn't have cared. But now, everything is different. That's the power of prayer. The power of a selection of amazing women praying for you, filling the gap when you can't reach out. A week is a long time for me now. Now my soul is constantly craving the word of God. I feel like an addict in reverse rehab. It seems every day without Him as front and center could very quickly pull me away.
I am weak Lord. But you are strong. I long to be close to you. Help me.
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
In the blog world over the past weeks there have been lot's of letters to past selves. I keep considering writing myself one but haven't gotten around to it yet. Today Chantelle exposed me to a new idea. One that I'd never thought of before. A letter [email] to the future, with the help of FutureMe. Interesting. I did it straight away. The idea is too appealing to resist.
Chantelle has us all geared up to start achieving our goals. So I did as she suggests and wrote my future self an email set to arrive on the 1 January 2011. And get this. I was nice to myself. I wrote about my goals for the year and things I believe will be encouraging to hear at the beginning of a new year.
I encourage you to do the same.
What do you want to tell your future self?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sometimes we just need to keep life simple.
It's my birthday this week. Generally my birthday is a bit of a non-event. This year I want to do something fun, but I don't know what. I also want a great gift. I know, I know. It's the thought that counts blah blah blah. I can't help it. I want some presents. Everyone keeps asking me what I want, but I don't know the answer. So I'm doing some browsing. No one in my family likes online shopping like I do, but doesn't mean I can't look.
Bird Cage Tile Coasters.
Tweet Bird Leather Barrette.
Custom Spoon Endz Necklace.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us to become our best while looking our worst.
I have my Aunt staying with me for the weekend.
I have never had much to do with her, she is my dad's sister and we always lived with my mum.
I wasn't sure how the weekend would turn out.
It has been great.
You could probably even say perfect.
She leaves tomorrow morning and I'm going to miss how easy it is to be with her.
She had her three girls almost as close as I've had my kids.
I have been bombarded with little tips, as well as compliments and confidence boosters about how well I am doing at this whole mothering mess.
I never thought I had much of a family.
I was wrong.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Kayla isn't a newborn anymore. Somehow I blinked and she's growing up.
Two teeth have cut through and by the way she has been attacking her teething toys, I wouldn't be surprised if another emerges soon.
We started solids yesterday.
With the boys their was a slow build up in how much they would eat until eventually they would finish a jar. Not with the princess. She inhaled the entire jar at her first meal, and was rather cranky when it was finished.
She hardly makes a mess. She lets her brothers feed her.
It is just so cute.
Unfortunately my camera is still broken so I can't take any pictures. But this baby is pretty darn cute.
I've lost count.
I have no idea how long I've been doing this. I'll have to go back and check.
I can see that doing this is helping me to 'think happy' in my everyday.
And yes, it's Friday, so I'm late in posting.
Time away. I had the most amazing weekend. I know I've already said that it was amazing, but it really, truely was. Not just the conference but all the in-between bits as well.
My darling husband. He looks after me well, and encourages my trips away.
Feeling funky. While we were away I felt like I looked good, every day. Thats a huge deal for me.
Family. I have my Nana and my aunt staying with me at the moment. It's great, I didn't realise how much I would have in common with my aunt.
Fresh donuts, with cream.....yummmm
Liz. She makes me happy.
Having an hour to myself to catch up on blogging. A quiet house, cup of tea, Liz on the phone and the net. I'm so in my element.
Join in Operation Think Happy.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Our lease expired.
We have to move.
I so desperately don't want to leave, this place has just started to feel like home.
We all fit in this house.
The kids all have their own room.
They don't wake each other up in the middle of the night.
Now they are going to have to share.
I don't want to look for someplace new.
I don't want to pack.
I don't want to clean.
I don't have the energy or the funds for this.
But it's happening.
So I better stop freaking out and just except it.
Easier said then done.
I have this thought.
That if something has to change (like our house), then could we make it a big change. An exciting change, a scary change.
I need to stop stressing.
I need to slow down.
Trust in Him.
I need to remember how I spent the weekend soaking in his presence and hold onto that.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I'm back from my weekend away, and feeling rather refreshed and very very tired.
It was an amazing weekend.
Full of inspiration.
There is so much I could say but I'm not going to say anything.
I'm sure things will emerge as I process everything. But for now, I think I need a nap.
Posted by Amie at 1:12 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tomorrow morning I fly to Sydney for a girls weekend and Colour Conference. I am seriously excited. I can't wait to spend some time away from all the [delightful] boys and have some quality girl time. This trip has been planned for almost a year, tickets were booked when I was only a few weeks pregnant with the little princess who, of course, is coming along for the ride and her first plane trip at the ripe old age of 4months.
Today is going to be crazy busy trying to get organised, so I attempted to start packing last night. For some reason, trips like these always bring out the insecure, emotional teenager in me.
When I went to pack my bags I discovered that although I have a wardrobe full of clothes nothing is 'just right' to take with me. It's not that I want designer dresses and tiffany jewelry. It's that when I go to pack my bags I am reminded (as i am quite often am) that the image of myself in my head doesn't exactly match with my wardrobe.
I'm not even sure what I would want to take if I had endless cash and could simply spend today shopping for the perfect outfit. I suspect though that it would involve much of the same, only new and without baby spit stains and stretched necklines (you know, from all the little hands that so love to grab at you).
Because I guess the truth of the matter is, that no matter what I own I feel the most confident in a pair of jeans and a tank top. Add a nice necklace or scarf and hey presto, thats it I'm done.
Which leads me to my next point.
Apparently I'm spoilt. Ok, granted the words spoilt didn't come out of my darling husbands mouth. But the words 'high standards' did. Quite a number of times. Apparently the fact that the idea of surviving on rice doesn't register in my perfect holiday plan proves that I didn't experience a 'normal upbringing'.
My parents (yes, this includes you mum) always, I'm not sure how to word it, I guess we always appeared to have more then we really did. In a sense, it was a lie. I know for a fact that my mum sacrificed alot so that my sister and I wouldn't have to go without. Only I always believed that, unlike my baby sister who still doesn't seem to fully grasp the value of things, I knew. I knew that $25 thongs were just the same as the $4 ones at target. I knew how to shop within our means. Whie little sister has alway, always been 'top shelf' and designer, I have preferred home made, one off, not quite the norm.
Anyway, back to my 'not-so-normal upbringing'. We went on quite a few little holidays which were really our somewhat rare trip to visit my father which, due to my fathers chosen line of work, also nearly always involved staying at rather nice hotels. So yes, I didn't go camping. Didn't stay at dingy hotels on the side of the highway, didn't survive on steamed rice. Hot chips perhaps? I'm not sure. But I am certain there was no steamed rice.
Another area which I think the word 'high standards' could apply, and one which I may just use as rebuttal when Michael gets home is food. My in-laws, as much as I love them, are defiantly of the quantity over quality camp. You can guess where I stand on this one. The prime example is olives. When we got married Michael could eat an entire jar of 'home brand green stuffed olives' in one sitting. Take a moment and comprehend exactly how gross that actually is. When you are sufficiently grossed out proceed. So, Mike loved these 'treat' giant olive jars until one day I got him a single scoop of 'balsamic marinated kalatma olives' from the deli. You can guess which ones he now prefers. To the point that he can no longer handle the green stuff.
I have gotten so completely off track I don't even no how to get to where I was planning on going.
During his father-of-the-bride wedding speech my father made some joke about my 'champagne taste on a beer budget'. Darling Mike heard the champagne part, but it seems he tunned out for the beer budget line. He has always loved to spoil me. Those close to me will know that it is a very rare thing that he says no to me. He spoils the crap out of me. I always knew this. And it didn't bother me.
Until last night when he admitted to believing the lie. He believed in the image that my parents so falsely project. He has been working unbelievable hours in order to keep up with my 'standards'. He believed I had married below myself. Like in some old fashioned romance novel. That I was a princess and he nothing but the help.
It's sweet. And romantic. And not true.
Somehow, this revelation leaves me feeling terribly guilty.
I can't work out why exactly.
Nothing has actually changed.
He still strives to give me the world out of nothing but love for me.
I guess the problem is that, while it has been done out of love, it's also from the pressure. The only reason he feels that pressure is because he loves me. But still.
Yes this is related to my trip this weekend.
When faced with the site of me working myself into a tiff over what to pack, Mike's immediate response was suggest I take a shopping trip today and find something new to take with me. Not an entire designer outfit, Just a new t-shirt or the like.
Even after a very long discussion last night about the lies he was believing he still insists.
So yes, I guess it's true.
I'm spoilt rotten.
Posted by Amie at 8:47 AM
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
-- Groucho Marx
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Do you know that you are beautiful?
Years ago on a adventure in Hong Kong I saw a sticker I think in one of those little sky cart things.
Of course I took a picture.
Today I discovered you-are-beautiful. The site is kinda odd. But the idea is awesome.
Posted by Amie at 11:16 AM
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I am completely in love with butterflies right now.
Butterflies are dainty and soft.
Beautiful and free.
They can fly.
Whats not to love?
When Eli was born I bought the most expensive piece of fashion I have ever even considered buying.
It wasn't really that expensive considering how much some people spend on everyday things, but to me it was heaps. I've always preferred bargain buys to designer threads.
I'm sure it's nothing to do with the actual bag and everything to do with the way I did or didn't take care of it, but it's started to die. Not enough to be really noticeable but enough that it no longer has the beautiful pick me up effect it did 2 years ago.
So it's time for a change.
Shopping time. I think I know the style I want now just to pick out a pattern.
Or perhaps I should make one. Oh the decisions.
7 things that make me happy.
Finally feeling like the change in me I've waiting for is coming. After months of aimless wondering I can feel the Spirit of God pulling me back to him. Mundane daily activities are so different when you spend the days swimming in His love.
My new fringe. I am seriously loving it. Love the confidence a new hair cut brings.
Speaking of confidence boosts. The flirting pizza guy was defiantly a confidence booster.
Succeeding at making Eli's lion birthday cake. I was so nervous but it turned out perfectly.
Friends. I have the greatest friends. I love them so much. In high school I thought I was doomed to never be able to make friends. Turns out high school kids suck. Not me.
Thomas the Tank Engine DVD's. It's so great showering by myself for 2 minutes in the morning while the boys are distracted by the 'very useful engine'.
Expectation. This time next week I'll be leaving for the airport for a girls weekend in Sydney. Colour Conference. Friends. Seeing my mum and sister. Getting to wear boots. So many things to look forward to.
Join in Operation Think Happy.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"Look at the lilies and how they grow. they don't work or make their clothing yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for the flowers that they are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith"
Sometimes it seems that we get so caught up worrying about the 'stuff' we miss it.
We miss life.
We miss the beauty of it.
Imagine what it would be to die tonight.
Wonderful experiences missed.
Beauty left unadmired.
Love not expressed.
The beauty of flowers is a gift from God.
They speak of his desire to bless us.
A prelude to the promised beauty of heaven.
Yet despite their beauty they don't last.
The only way to be sure not to miss it is to shift the focus.
Stop worrying about ourselves.
Stop wasting time worrying about the mundane things that we can't change.
It;s time to start living each day fully embracing the beauty of life that God has put here just for us.