Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Vision.

I have a vision of my life.
How I live it.
The values I hold.
Priorities I have.

I have a vision of morals I want to instill in my children.
Things I want to ensure they believe about themselves.
The moments I want to have with them.

I have a vision of my marriage.
Of what makes us, us.
Of the "rules" we follow, and the ones we break.
Of the things that define us.

My life is not living up to the vision.
At the moment it is completely wrong.
Not in the: 'We didn't expect this but it's pretty darn good way.'
No, at the moment it is ok. Just plain old boring ok.
We are getting by.

Or we were.
Until today.
Today I snapped.
I packed up some things and ran away from home.
I broke down.
I yelled, screamed, and cried by eyes out.

I ran away from home once before.
I can't remember how old I was.
I think it was somewhere around 9.
Anyway, when I was somewhere around 9 I ran away from home.
I planned to stay away forever or until my parents realized I was gone and cried and came looking for me.
I went and hid behind the back fence so I would be able to hear when they started to panic.
I never heard. I;m not sure they even noticed I was gone.
I must have hidden out behind that fence for a whole 15 minutes before I got bored and came home.
I honestly can't even remember what happened next. Obviously I didn't make for a very dramatic runaway when I was 9.

So today was my second runaway experience.
I spent the whole day learning some new things about myself and longing to be home with the one person who always, no matter what, manages to make me feel better.
Our marriage may not fit with the vision. It my not meet my standards. It may not be great. But it's defiantly got potential.
So sometime after dinner when the kids started to get restless I packed up my ego and headed home.

At this point in time nothing has technically changed.
My life is still the same.
My kids are still overwhelming.
My marriage needs still needs some work.
But something on the inside has changed.
I've let it out. That means things can start to change.
We've started. And thats what counts right?
That you start.
Cause the truth is, there is no end.

Life goes on.
Your children will still be your children even when they're 30.
And love doesn't just disappear when the marriage is harder then expected.

The vision is the goal.
I won't give up.
I refuse.

Life is hard, but it will be great.


all images via weheartit



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